I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
