if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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