Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
