I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
