the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i dont even know how to be here
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
