i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
