he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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