I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
