Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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