look no pants
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
