I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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