When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
