if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
