dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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