U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
