Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
