Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
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He uses pillows to masturbate.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he fucked my hip out of place.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
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Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself