my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
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I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
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I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.