she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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