did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.