I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
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yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
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Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?