I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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