I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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