I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
