i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
