??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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