I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
