Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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