I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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