apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
