Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
