So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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