just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize