I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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