proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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