There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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