so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.