My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
