In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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