I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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