Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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