just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
