I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
