he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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