If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
