I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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