Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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