i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You may now shotgun with the bride
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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