i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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