He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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