I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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