im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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