I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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