That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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