when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
