I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
