Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
