so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
