god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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