Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
